Conversation Guide

Conversations about sensitive topics like sex and sexuality are not easy for everyone. We all have varying degrees of comfort around these subjects, so the preparation that you put in before beginning the conversation with your teen depends on where you are at. Before diving into articles and diagrams, you might want to consider both your own readiness and your child’s.

First, remember that this is not just one big talk. When you think about it, there are so many topics that fall into the sex/gender/sexuality bucket! As your child grows, their interest and readiness for information will change. You’ll find good resources for understanding age-appropriate communication with young children and with teens from the American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP):

Many people have their own memorable experiences having “the talk” with their own parents, guardians, or peers. It is important that you enter these conversations understanding that these can be moments of vulnerability for both you and your teen.

Keep in mind that young people want to have accurate information about sex, and they want to know your thoughts and values too. But they may be afraid that you will judge or make assumptions about them. Can you listen nonjudgmentally and be open to all questions? (That doesn’t mean having all the answers!)

This resource from Advocates for Youth can help you consider your own readiness.

Good news! Discomfort can be a sign that we as human beings are learning how to navigate a new situation.

It is okay to acknowledge feelings of discomfort–your teen is probably feeling uncomfortable too. This discomfort can be a sign that you both are growing in your ability to communicate with each other about difficult or sensitive topics. It can also be a sign of growth in your ability to understand each other’s perspectives and perhaps differing thoughts and opinions. The more you engage in these conversations the more comfortable you will become! Ultimately, remember why you are having this conversation with your teen, and how it will provide them with a reliable source of information and support (that’s you!).

If a question makes you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to take a moment to come up with a thoughtful response. It is always okay to acknowledge that something was a good question, or a good point, and request a moment to think about it. You can ask yourself:

• What do they need to know at this moment?
• If I don’t know the answer, how can I help them find this information?
• Am I providing information that empowers, strengthens, and informs?

You do not need to have all the answers to begin having these conversations. After all, how could you possibly know EVERYTHING? Letting your teen know that you do not have all the answers creates an opportunity for the two of you to search for the answers together. This way you not only provide them with accurate information, you also help them learn to search for accurate information on their own.

If you do want to brush up on your knowledge, consider what topics you would like to discuss with your teen. Topics might include healthy relationships, HIV, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), pregnancy, as well as your own values, beliefs, and expectations. For ideas, check out this resource from Planned Parenthood:

If you anticipate discomfort, reviewing scripts can help make you feel more comfortable and prepared. Amaze videos can get you started with suggested approaches to key topics.

Take a deep breath and decide what you would like to say. Remember to be purposeful – they are getting this information somewhere, and wouldn’t you like to know what they know and correct any misinformation? You are providing yourself as a reliable and trustworthy resource for them to go to when they need information or assistance. (See the resources in step 3 for some great conversation starters.)

• It’s important to give your child an opportunity to read, process, and formulate a response to your message. They might be busy with an activity or might even be nervous to engage in the conversation with you.
   
• In-person check-ins can be helpful to confirm that they saw your message – “hey, did you get my text?” provides an opportunity for them to give a yes or no response without requiring them to immediately engage in the conversation from the message. If they say yes, maybe you can ask if they would rather talk in person. If they say no, consider asking how you can make the conversation easier for them. Explain where you are coming from, what your intentions are, and how you want to be an accurate resource for their information.
   
• Giving your child some choice in how these conversations take place can provide them with some ownership over their engagement in the conversation.

Sexuality and sexual health are very important topics, but it does not mean that the conversation needs to be scary, boring, or super serious. It’s okay to throw in a fun gif or meme to lighten the mood!

• Parents have much more lived experience than their children, but try to remember that your teen is the expert when it comes to their own life.
• If you are wondering why they are asking a particular question, just ask! You’re allowed to ask them questions. Maybe they are trying to figure out if a rumor or myth they heard from their peers is true, or maybe they are just simply curious. Try to keep an open mind while having these sensitive conversations.