What Will They Ask? - Interactive

Talking with your teen about sex

At ACT for Youth, we train and work with many sexual health educators. Sex educators get a lot of questions! The questions can often be sorted into categories based on the motivation behind them. Though it’s not always crystal clear, considering the motivation can help you think about how to respond.

Requests for information
Example: “What does asexual mean?”

The motivation behind this type of question is just what it sounds like: a young person looking for information and answers to their questions.

If you know the answer and can offer a clear (and appropriate) explanation, that’s good. “People don’t all feel the same way about sex and attraction. Someone who is asexual doesn’t have a lot of interest in having sex. But they might still want romantic relationships and emotional closeness.”

If you don’t know the answer, that’s okay as well. Letting them know you care enough to find out for them will speak volumes. It shows you are someone they can trust to help them learn about topics that are new to them.

Shock value questions
Example: “What does semen taste like?”

Sometimes a young person will ask a question to test your limits or just to get a laugh and some attention.

Something as easy as taking the question seriously can defuse its power. “Apparently research shows that the taste of semen can vary depending on different factors, such as the amount of water a person with a penis has had to drink or what they have had to eat.”

If the young person is trying to shock you with their language, correcting them on the proper word may help. “So when you say ‘dick’ you are talking about a penis.”

“Am I normal” questions
Example: Is it normal for my penis to be hard every morning?

These questions can speak to the insecurities youth may feel about their changing bodies and the emotional roller coaster that comes along with puberty.

The old adage of “there are no dumb questions” is important here. Making sure you validate the question is key. Starting out the response with “A lot of young people wonder about that” may put a teen at ease. Also, in this case, giving additional information about biological and emotional changes during puberty can be helpful.

Permission seeking
Example: “Is it wrong to have sex before marriage?”

In these cases, a teen may be asking permission to do something or permission to not do something. Sometimes this type of question may also fall into the “Am I normal?” category.

For this type of values-based question, educators often use the formula “for some, for others, for you.” This simply gives the educator a chance to respond without offering a definite answer, since there may be many opinions and experiences among participants. “For some people, waiting to have sex until they are married is very important. For others, waiting until they have found the right person, even if they are not married, is important. For you, it should be a decision based on your own values and beliefs.”

Parents may want to use this formula too, or they may want to take the opportunity to express their own values, hopes, and expectations for their child in a nonconfrontational way.

Questions about personal beliefs or experiences
Example: “How old were you the first time you had sex?”

These questions may seem to be argumentative, but at the heart your child wants to know where you stand.

When faced with this type of question you can use the “for some, for others, for you…” strategy or point out that “this conversation isn’t about my experiences; it’s about how to be responsible, safe, happy, and healthy…”

One of the best ways to be prepared for sensitive questions is to be comfortable talking about all of these topics. Consider practicing with friends!

And again, if a question makes you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to take a moment to come up with a thoughtful response. It is always okay to acknowledge that something was a good question, or a good point, and request a moment to think about it. You can ask yourself: