Why Don't We Talk to Our Kids About Sex?

Talking with Your Teen About Sex (Digitally)

For most parents, the simple answer is: it’s uncomfortable. Despite its being a natural part of human development, many of us don’t know how to approach conversations about sex. Many of us didn’t have open, honest conversations about sex modeled for us. All of that combines to make it one uncomfortable topic! If we unpack this discomfort a bit more, we can see a few more underlying factors:

Parents worry they don’t have all the information or answers.

Though parents often feel they have to “know all things,” you really don’t have to! Resources in this guide can help you build your sexual and reproductive health knowledge so you feel more informed and ready to have conversations about sex with your teen. And if your teen has a question you can’t answer, you can model safely searching for answers by looking it up together.

It is okay to say that you don’t know or that you need more clarity. You can respond with:

I’m not sure how to answer you right now
Tell me more about your question
I’m so glad you asked, can I get back to you?

Parents don’t condone teens having sex—and don’t want their teens to get the idea that it’s okay.

We know from research that sex education does NOT lead to young people having more sex. It’s also true that when parents express their values about their kids delaying sex, their children do listen and tend to share those values.

(Learn more about the research from the CDC: Talking with Your Teens about Sex: Going Beyond “the Talk”)

Parents are unsure when is the right time to have these conversations.

It’s never too early for age-appropriate sexual health conversations. Conversations that begin in early childhood (naming body parts and explaining how bodies work, for example) can later lead to discussions about puberty and healthy relationships. Consent is a topic that can start very young (“it’s okay to say no if you don’t want a hug…”) and continue into the teens. By opening the door for honest, nonjudgmental conversations early, you pave the way for easier conversations later.

But it’s also never too late to start! You can model open – and sometimes vulnerable – communication by letting your teen know you haven’t had these talks in the past because you were uncomfortable. Let your teen know you want to create space for these open conversations now and encourage them to come to you with questions.

Parents worry about the questions they will get.

“If my teen asks about condoms, does that mean they are having sex?”

“What if my child asks about MY sexual experiences?”

It’s important to listen to the actual question being asked, without trying to interpret beyond the question. For example, questions about pregnancy don’t necessarily mean your child needs or wants a full discussion of the mechanics of sex at this moment. Questions about condoms or other forms of birth control don’t necessarily mean your teen is having sex. Nonjudgmental responses and follow up questions help you better understand your teen’s question and increase the chance they will come to you with more questions in the future.

Consider the boundaries of what you are willing to share regarding your personal experiences. It’s okay to let your teen know there are some personal topics you’re not willing to discuss because they are private. Though teens like to push boundaries, it is highly unlikely that they want the details of your sex life!

Parents may have had bad or traumatic experiences with sex.

Parents’ experiences with sex shape their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs regarding sex. Difficult or traumatic experiences can make conversations about sex feel overwhelming and can trigger negative responses. It is important to recognize how your own experience may impact the conversations that you have with your teen.

Not everyone is ready to work through trauma, and that is okay. Talking to your teen about sex and other sensitive topics does not mean you need to share your personal experiences. Centering the conversation around your teen allows you to address their experiences and/or their questions. If they do ask personal questions, it is okay to redirect the conversation back to them by letting them know that you understand that they are curious, but the conversation is not about you and that it is not the time to have that discussion.

Practicing self-care is important in preparation for these conversations. Taking care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally can help you cope with the effects of trauma (the resource Self-Care After Trauma from RAINN may help: https://www.rainn.org/articles/self-care-after-trauma ). Professionals who specialize in sexual trauma are available to provide guidance, counseling, and other therapeutic services to assist with processing and coping with your experiences. If you are in need of immediate assistance, a confidential National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or through an online chat service at online.rainn.org.

Kids may have had traumatic experiences with abuse.

If your child has experienced sexual abuse, there are resources available to help in the healing process. This starter guide from the Indiana Chapter of National Children’s Alliance may help. Contact a Child Advocacy Center in your area for help: visit the National Children’s Alliance.